I hate being an alcoholic !! (a mocking imitation of myself as I was approx. 10 years ago.)

I hate being an alcoholic..........I was a week ago, sober 22 days, 6 and half hours, when I drove past a bottle shop and could not resist (though recently spending 6 months in jail because of breaking the law while drunk, and still being on a 2 year good behaviour bond) buying a six pack of beer and 2 litres of cheap, red wine and returning home to have a quiet, harmless drink or two at home .....or so I thought....(somehow the 3 plus months I did in rehab, an AA or NA meeting a day for 90 plus days, and telling God, myself and numerous others about 500 times I was an alcoholic who could never drink again without pain, problems and humiliations etc was simply forgotten, somehow)......or so I thought.......some where between the 15th and 20th drink I went to a local pub and starting drinking double vodkas until I blacked out.........I woke up in a police cell at 6am the next morning with an enormous hangover and no coffee, cigarette, Xanax, valium, aspirin, codeine or even a joint of marijuana to ease my suffering !!! ..........how I hate being an alcoholic, by 9am I was with shaking hands, and with my first coffee and white ox smoke.... reading the police paper work........thanks to my higher power I was only fined $800 for failure to leave a licensed premises and charged with only intimidation (of a barman who refused to keep serving me) and malicious damage (by throwing a metal garbage bin through a shop window...... only $1,750.00 in damages I have to pay).........I was released about 9.30am and by 10.30am my poor nerves were settled as I drank more coffee laced with vodka and taken not Xanax but 2 or 3 cheap valium and chain smoked cheap rollie white ox tobacco........but I did not overdo things that day; I managed to see a doctor, who hated the local community health service, to write a letter for court as he had in the past, saying certain staff at Community Health were again at least partly to blame somehow for me choosing to abuse alcohol etc, and break the law, by refusing to properly treat and support me despite my many cries for help........I had that done by 12 noon.........by 4pm I had been informed by a solicitor that as my intimidation was only of a barman and not a police officer (as had occurred with me before....) and with a doctors report saying it was more untreated depression than a belly full of cheap grog that caused me to smash a window and damage property..........I will almost for certain avoid jail when I front court next month........I had by 6 pm drank enough and smoked enough and taken enough valium to ease the physical and mental suffering I for some reason awoke with and endured for more than several hours..........I exhibited then enough self control not to return to the same pub as the night before........which would have broken bail conditions..........but stayed quietly at home, steadily drinking more and annoying no one really.........except for about 6 or 7 family members and friends I emailed and  texted irrationally, verbally abusing them and accusing them of always letting me down.......yes, peacefully annoying no one really........except the next day then for some reason several insensitive people rang me to say they were not only unhappy about the abusive emails and texts but they did not appreciate several extremely drunken and crazy, angry phone calls from me between 3 and 5 am.........how could I be blamed for that, I was in a black out......that next day I tried to sober up......I rang an old AA sponsor who said he would drive me to an AA meeting at 7pm that night.......but I started to drink etc again about 2 hours before the meeting, attended an AA meeting that night at least half drunk and told most people there including my old sponsor what I honestly thought of them........more irrational verbal abuse and blaming others it is claimed........so the next day I jumped on a train back to the big X city where I lived in the past in a cheap flat in a housing commission block in a poor suburb to seek out the kind drunks and friendly addicts I used to know.......fate, a hopeless community mental health service, sober AA hypocrits and idiots and so called family and old friends, who keep letting me down, also, the Catholic Church and perhaps even a cruel God, the mainstream media, and country people who vote One Nation.... have pushed me to all this !!...........oh, HOW I Hate being an Alcoholic !!!!!!